Oscraps

Scream free Parenting

Digi Designz

Digi Designz

Well-Known Member
Hiya O-ladies!

so here is my question:

I have an 8 year old son, who is very sweet and caring. He also has a defiant, disrespectful streak as well. We have daily "lists" that he is supposed to do in the morning, afterschool, and before bed as well as chores. Some days he has no problem with doing others is like a fight till the bitter end. When I tell him its time to do it he will reply with "no I dont have to" or "im not doing it" he constantly tells me how mean I am and how I always tell him what to do. I try and keep my cool, and most times I can but a peron can only take so much. this morning he was supposed to take out the garbage as part of his chores (whick btw he gets 5$ a week for allowance) he grabbed the bag and said it was to heavy asking for help, I told him he was strong and he could do it himself, he then proceeded to get really mad and threw the bag down and it busted open, I went inside and got another bag picked up all the garbage and told him to take it to the curb. he then proceeded to carry it to the curb where he threw it down and it busted open again ( the very cold weather probly had something to do with this but still!) at that point I lost it and stated yelling at him! I didnt know what else to do, he says its my fault and then when he cries and gets upset he tells me that I "made" him do it. I try and explaint that everyone has a choice about thier actions and emotions but he insists that no its my faulth!

I feel so bad and like an aweful parent. I dont know waht to do. its supposed to be "date" night tonight but after this morning there is no way I am taking him to do anything fun. I will be taking away all electronics for 2 days as well.

What do you do for dicipline with your kids, and what do you think I should do. I know he sounds like a little devil from what I have said, but most of the time he is a real sweet heart, he just gets into these fits...and I have a hard time keeping my cool

anyways thanks in advance
 
Cat

Cat

O' whip cracker whip
Aww hun, we all have a little devil living inside our angels ;) My daughter is 5 and has a 'wild temper' streak in her, and her opinion, everything is 'NOT FAIR'!

I dont see anything wrong in giving children chores, its part of growing up, they have do do it as adults and as parents we are showing them that if they do good things, they are rewarded for good things.

Sarah also gets pocket money, or treats for her good behaviour and chores. She has a reward chart whenever she completes a chore (Even if there is arguments thrown in) she moves up in her chart. When she completes her chores in the week she is rewarded with either pocket money, or, like last week, the new High School Musical DVD *rolleyes* If she doesnt complete her chores she does not get reward. Simple as that, she fights me, I calmly inform her that as she has not completed xyz, or, if her behaviour was bad (telling her about what was not acceptable behaviour, rather than being negative).

I have some simple steps that have worked for me with Sarah.

Praise, praise, praise good behaviour, children thrive on praise, even if your son threw a tantrum whilst taking out the garbage, he did it, so if it were me, I would thank him for taking the garbage out (yes, even if he made a big a deal about it, he did eventually do it ;))

For negative behaviour, Sarah is either put in time out for 5 mins, or, she does not get a DVD or playtime on the wii. Or if its REALLY unacceptable behaviour, her favourite doll Emily, is placed ontop of the fridge for one night, this kills her.

I know this sounds hard, but whatever you do, dont yell LOL, this is giving your child attention, and in turn stressing you out. Instead give YOURSELF time out. I often place myself on time out. I wish I could do it for 35mins (you know the 1min per age) but I cant, even 20secs away from your child will calm you down if you feel you are going to explode.

But, in all honesty, I think what you are doing is right (other than the yelling) You reward for good behaviour, and I know you are suppose to be on date night tonight, but I would suggest you dont, maybe do it tomorrow, if you do it tonight you are rewarding him. There always has to be a consequence for an action ;)

And you are NOT a bad parent (((hugs)))
 
BlytheE

BlytheE

Well-Known Member
You are only human.. you have your limits as do I. I also have a defiant child. Actually, I have 2 of them. My oldest is 14 and we seem to be at odds over everything. It started when he was very young and got progressivly worse. He also has ADHD and his doctors also think he has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder).

My 6 yr old is a very stubborn child. If he doesn't want to do something, you can bet he's not gunna. He's got alot of the same attributes as my older son, besides we have a family history anyway so I expect he is also ADHD but he's too young to test yet.

Anyway, my point is you are SO not alone and you are by far a bad parent.
 
B

bethory

Member
Don't feel bad, Digi Designz - every kid has moments. He really wouldn't be a normal, growing boy if he didn't. Of course, that doesn't mean that he should not learn from his growing pains. I've used several different approaches to such behavior and all work to one degree or another. First, the "allowance" can become more of a "commission" for work COMPLETED. If he doesn't do the job, he doesn't get the money. Of course, at 8 year old, he might not be very motivated by money. If this is the case, you might try the "Love and Logic" approach. "I'm sorry you've chosen to not do your chores, but people who don't do their chores don't get to _________" (something meaningful to him). Trick is, you have to stand firm. "Sweetie, if you chose to do your chore, then you can do this wonderful thing that means so much to you." I try to use something pretty immediate - such as don't eat your supper, don't get dessert. Don't do your chore, don't watch tv/play video games/talk on the phone - something they would do right away.

Believe me, my kids are far from perfect, but they have figured out that mean old mom is pretty good at mind games and she plays for real. You can do it, too!

Good luck -
 
clarabear

clarabear

always chatty at the O!!
Alicia - I think we all feel like bad parents at times. Somedays more than others. Like Cat said the biggest thing is taking things away. Sometimes I don't always have something to take away so I make stuff up. If my 6yo acts up I'll tell him that I was going to surprise him and take him out to ice cream, or to McD's to play on the play structure or something simple like that. Make sure everyonce in a while you surprise him with something so he doesn't catch on that you are making it up. I also don't give my child allowance for his chores. I feel that he needs to do chores because he lives in our house. Instead he gets an attitude allowance and everytime he acts up I take away $0.25. There are weeks that he loses all of his allowance and other weeks that he gets all of it. I have also found that sometimes they are just having a bad day and although you should not do their chores for them, sometimes helping with them really helps out with the mood and provides a few moments to spend together. Like with the trash. My son has to collect all the trash on Thursday nights to take out for trash day. If he is having a rough time for some reason I may offer to go get the bag so that he can collect all the trash, or offer to go up with him and get half of it. Or I might ask him to help me with the dishes so that we are doing it together and since he is little I'll lift him up to put dishes away or set him on the counter and he'll put things away in a certain cupboard or something. He always has a hard time with cleaning up his toys...so I have to take them away sometimes or other times I give him one thing at a time to pick up.

My kids are by no means angels, but like yours have angelic and devilish moments. Yelling happens. That doesn't make you a bad parent. By being concerned about it just shows that you are not a bad parent.
 
Digi Designz

Digi Designz

Well-Known Member
thanks so much for you comments ladies. It has very much made me feel better and less alone for sure. I guess I was just feeling very overwhelmed this morning by the whole thing and desperate to find answers.

Cat I do try and be positive as much as possible and really point out when he does good things its just kinda hard when he's being so argumetitive to find the good in that ...kwim? I have put myself in time out before and that works too, giving me time to cool off. It just seems like when I'm rushing to get to work I can really lock myself in the car and tell him I'm having a time out LOL but I get your point :)

Blythe - thanks for sharing sometimes I think my son could be ADHD but I'm sure he would have been diagnosed by now...what kind of test is done?? is it through your doctor?

Bethory - so true about the allowance not really having all that much meening to him. I found his 5$ bill lying on the floor the other day! I was irked that he had no concern for his money...but let it go and asked him to put it in a safe place i.e. his piggy bank. I really like your "love/logic" approach and will try and implement that more

Clara- I love the idea of an attitude allowance rather than a chore allowance! I agree that chores are just part of being in a family but I was trying to find ways to get some better behaviour. Maybe if I put 5$ in $.25 in a jar and every time he acted up I removed one it would be a visual reminder that he needs to be respectful.

Thanks so much for all your support and input ladies I do feel better and fell like I have a few more tools for my arsenal in the battleground I call parenting!! LOL

If anyone ese has anything to add I am open to all suggestions :)
 
BlytheE

BlytheE

Well-Known Member
Digi Designz said:
thanks so much for you comments ladies. It has very much made me feel better and less alone for sure. I guess I was just feeling very overwhelmed this morning by the whole thing and desperate to find answers.

Cat I do try and be positive as much as possible and really point out when he does good things its just kinda hard when he's being so argumetitive to find the good in that ...kwim? I have put myself in time out before and that works too, giving me time to cool off. It just seems like when I'm rushing to get to work I can really lock myself in the car and tell him I'm having a time out LOL but I get your point :)

Blythe - thanks for sharing sometimes I think my son could be ADHD but I'm sure he would have been diagnosed by now...what kind of test is done?? is it through your doctor?

Bethory - so true about the allowance not really having all that much meening to him. I found his 5$ bill lying on the floor the other day! I was irked that he had no concern for his money...but let it go and asked him to put it in a safe place i.e. his piggy bank. I really like your "love/logic" approach and will try and implement that more

Clara- I love the idea of an attitude allowance rather than a chore allowance! I agree that chores are just part of being in a family but I was trying to find ways to get some better behaviour. Maybe if I put 5$ in $.25 in a jar and every time he acted up I removed one it would be a visual reminder that he needs to be respectful.

Thanks so much for all your support and input ladies I do feel better and fell like I have a few more tools for my arsenal in the battleground I call parenting!! LOL

If anyone ese has anything to add I am open to all suggestions :)
Click to expand...

It starts out with the pediatrician. We were given forms for his teachers to fill out, for us to fill out, and then one by the ped. Then we were sent to a specialist at the hospital for the full psych testing that they do. Your ped should know how to get the ball rolling but also, I would ask his teacher if she/he thinks he is exhibiting ADHD tendancies and have them put that in writing to take to your Dr.
 
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