How Many of You Care for an Elderly or Ailing Parent?

[Susan - s3js]

I do. My Dad is 88, 89 next month. Every day I have with him is serendipity, grace notes. He doesn't think he needs care, until he does, then he gets despondent, sometimes cranky and critical. It can be a challenge, but the rewards are greater.

So where do you turn for support for YOU, for comfort when your fears are great, for a place to vent, for ideas for self care when there just doesn't seem to be time for it, maybe even ideas on how to keep our loved one engaged and mostly happy or content?

 

[faerywings]

I am not there quite yet but it doesn't mean there aren't struggles. :/ I am very lucky to have close relationships with both of them but some days...

My parents are fiercely independent and they have each other, sort of. As of now, I am the sounding board they (99% my mom) go to when they need to unload their frustrations. My support is my hubby who hugs me tight when they get too much. My BFF is an only child and her mom is in a nursing home with a TBI. We support each other although she needs much more support than me at this point.


Sending love to all of you who are going through this xoxo

 

[Susan - s3js]

That emoji is apropos! I have a close relationship with Daddy and a loving relationship with my Momma but they live on opposite coasts so I can't help them both. Fortunately, I have a half brother and half sister to look after her and she lives in a senior apartment building that she loves so all is well there for now.

If you need an extra shoulder, Chris, you know where I "live"!

 

[Cherylndesigns]

My parents are both deceased now, but they needed lots of care for the last couple of years of their lives. Mom had full on Alzheimer's and Dad refused to put her in a nursing home. As long as he could take care of her, that's what he was adamant about. Well, his health started failing and he couldn't take care of Mom anymore. They had some money put back, fortunately, and we hired "Home Instead" to come out and stay with them all day long. They were wonderful - cooked, did light housework, and just were companionable. The evenings were up to us (my sister, who lived by them) bore most of the caretaking and I lived about 4 hours away, so I was her back up. I kept a bag packed at all times and was ready to drive down there is she needed me. Sometimes I was there for a month at a time. It's really tough. The doctors' appts were the worse. Some of Dad's doctors wanted us to bring him in all the time. He could hardly walk and I got so angry because there weren't even any wheelchairs at this big facility. They could have and should have been more sensitive to that. A couple of times, they called and wanted me to bring him in (no appt was made) and I said No. I couldn't have even gotten him cleaned up by the time they wanted him in there.

In today's environment, ask for (and you'll usually get "'virtual appointments". Most doctors offer that, but you have to ask for them. That would be my main advice for you, Susan. There's no need to "drag" them into the doctor all the time.

Sending you lots of hugs and mostly patience.

 

[veer]

I do. My Dad is 88, 89 next month. Every day I have with him is serendipity, grace notes. He doesn't think he needs care, until he does, then he gets despondent, sometimes cranky and critical. It can be a challenge, but the rewards are greater.

So where do you turn for support for YOU, for comfort when your fears are great, for a place to vent, for ideas for self care when there just doesn't seem to be time for it, maybe even ideas on how to keep our loved one engaged and mostly happy or content?

It is so recognizable, my father also thinks that he can do everything himself, while that is not the case at all. I don't think it's easy to have to lose your independence.

 

[veer]

My mother also needed a lot of care in the last years of her life. And that requires a lot of energy from you She passed away five years ago.
Since then my father's health has also deteriorated. He had already had several major operations on his heart. You can see how he has aged in those 5 years. Even in a year, you can see how he has deteriorated. He will be 86 next month and is currently in hospital. While he has only been there for 4 weeks and has been home for 1 week. His body is simply worn out, his heart valve is completely open and they don't do anything about that anymore given his condition. This of course brings many complications.
What I hate most about taking care of your parents is having to watch them lose their independence, how they are no longer self-reliant, but need your help with everything.

At this moment he suffers from delirium while he is in the hospital, he is also very angry and curses at us a lot.
I find it very difficult to see how much pain he is in and sometimes I think, Lord, come and get him quickly so that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. At the same time it is doubly so because you don't want to miss him.
Fortunately, I have my sister with whom I talk a lot, my children, my friends, colleagues. Normally i go for a lot of walking, but the weather has been bad here for so long that I couldn't ventilate there. I cried a lot, that is also a form of ventilation for me, taking a shower and then letting the tears flow.

Fortunately, he is very grateful to us, last week after he had a rough night, and after 2 days of intense pain (he had pulled out the bladder tube completely) he started to cry when he saw me and my sister standing there. We asked why he was crying, he said I'm so happy to see you.
We were his only recognizable people in a strange hospital environment.
He knows that we love him, we have already talked to him a lot about that.

Right now we are enjoying every moment we have him. He is looking forward to the arrival of his very first great-grandchild, and he continues to fight for that. Next month he will be 86.

And when I see what I have now written here, I realize that I am also venting here. Your question came at the right time for me.

I give you a big hug for the difficult moments in your care for your father.

 

[Susan - s3js]

@veer I wondered if perhaps this was a place that could help by just being friends - and I think it is.

I wouldn't trade a single minute of the time I have with Daddy even when I get frustrated- I don't have to share him most of the time which is a gift since I am the oldest and had to share him from early on. He almost always comes back to me with a hug and a sweet little apology so I really try to not take Most of it personally. He will be back to driving in a month which will improve his state of mind immensely. He will also be able to resume walking with his little dog. That perfect eyesight in both eyes will be a joyful thing. Fortunately, his mind is as sharp as ever. However, I am still terrified when I'm driving him around. I'm so wary of making a mistake that I become a self-fulfilling prophecy and make mistakes. The criticism stings and I cannot bear disappointing him. Some of the little girl things just never go away.

 

[Susan - s3js]

My parents are both deceased now, but they needed lots of care for the last couple of years of their lives. Mom had full on Alzheimer's and Dad refused to put her in a nursing home. As long as he could take care of her, that's what he was adamant about. Well, his health started failing and he couldn't take care of Mom anymore. They had some money put back, fortunately, and we hired "Home Instead" to come out and stay with them all day long. They were wonderful - cooked, did light housework, and just were companionable. The evenings were up to us (my sister, who lived by them) bore most of the caretaking and I lived about 4 hours away, so I was her back up. I kept a bag packed at all times and was ready to drive down there is she needed me. Sometimes I was there for a month at a time. It's really tough. The doctors' appts were the worse. Some of Dad's doctors wanted us to bring him in all the time. He could hardly walk and I got so angry because there weren't even any wheelchairs at this big facility. They could have and should have been more sensitive to that. A couple of times, they called and wanted me to bring him in (no appt was made) and I said No. I couldn't have even gotten him cleaned up by the time they wanted him in there.

In today's environment, ask for (and you'll usually get "'virtual appointments". Most doctors offer that, but you have to ask for them. That would be my main advice for you, Susan. There's no need to "drag" them into the doctor all the time.

Sending you lots of hugs and mostly patience.

@Cherylndesigns I hadn't thought about virtual appointments, but Daddy likes to be out and about and it's good for him. For now, the appointments aren't too burdensome, but we have a big bunch coming up and he has his second cataract surgery on the 18th. His Christmas present to himself will be driving to the pet store for dog food. It's about a half mile away and a good start. He hasn't been able to drive for almost 3 months and he's going crazy.

Thanks for the patience. I'm generally a very patient person, but I haven't had a break in 7 months. I'm a little frayed. My sister forgets how she felt after just 7 weeks. She didn't come to visit for almost a month she was so frazzled, but she has always been the flighty one, and I've always been the workhorse.

 

[faerywings]

I feel for all of you so very deeply. I know that I am at the beginning point and I worry about the next part of the journey.
It's awful seeing them lose their independence. My parents won't ask for our help. My brother and I walk a fine line between pushing them to accept it and understanding that they *need* to be able to do things on their own.

Vera, I am glad that you vented here. So glad that Susan and Cheryl can support you too.

 

[Susan - s3js]

I feel for all of you so very deeply. I know that I am at the beginning point and I worry about the next part of the journey.
It's awful seeing them lose their independence. My parents won't ask for our help. My brother and I walk a fine line between pushing them to accept it and understanding that they *need* to be able to do things on their own.

Vera, I am glad that you vented here. So glad that Susan and Cheryl can support you too.

Chris, I know exactly how that feels. It's really hard to find diplomatic ways to say "You need to let me do this for you." Daddy didn't ask for help he instead offered me a place to live after retirement knowing I wanted to move. My oldest son is totally disabled so I still need to support him, until SSI comes through for him, if it does. Don't know what I'll do if it doesn't, fingers crossed. But he and his wife, who is also disabled, will be coming this way when my house sells. Until then, they are taking care of things on that end. Daddy has said they can't live with us even though we have the room, but he's mulling it over and beginning to see the benefit of their helping hands, so maybe that will change. Medicare would then be able to pay him to be caregiver to my Dad, then probably in a few years for me.

Chris, please do feel like you can reach out when you need to. Together we are strong!

 

[veer]

Last Friday I had to take my father to the urologist (to guide him and provide explanations because he is still very confused at times). They removed his bladder tube and now he has to learn to urinate on his own again. The problem is that he cannot hold his urine, so they are now going to see what the best solution is for him. He still is in hospital.
When I took him back to his room, I helped him with his dinner, but he was very tired and had slept very poorly at night.
When I went home (I still hug him and give him kisses) he started crying. He was or he feels that his body can no longer or should not do what it has always done. And that is hard for him, he needs help with everything, so sad.
I came home that day, ate dinner, and slept for the rest of the day, I was completely emotionally shattered.

 

[Susan - s3js]

Last Friday I had to take my father to the urologist (to guide him and provide explanations because he is still very confused at times). They removed his bladder tube and now he has to learn to urinate on his own again. The problem is that he cannot hold his urine, so they are now going to see what the best solution is for him. He still is in hospital.
When I took him back to his room, I helped him with his dinner, but he was very tired and had slept very poorly at night.
When I went home (I still hug him and give him kisses) he started crying. He was or he feels that his body can no longer or should not do what it has always done. And that is hard for him, he needs help with everything, so sad.
I came home that day, ate dinner, and slept for the rest of the day, I was completely emotionally shattered.

BIg hugs! There are good incontinence products so maybe with those he will be able to go home soon. I'm glad you slept, it's a wonderful healer. I sent some extra prayers up for you - for comfort and peace.

 

[faerywings]

Vera, I am sending you such big hugs and thoughts of support and love. I am heartbroken for you and your dad.

 

[veer]

BIg hugs! There are good incontinence products so maybe with those he will be able to go home soon. I'm glad you slept, it's a wonderful healer. I sent some extra prayers up for you - for comfort and peace.

Thank you

 

[veer]

Vera, I am sending you such big hugs and thoughts of support and love. I am heartbroken for you and your dad.

thank you Chris

 

[Cherylndesigns]

Vera @veer sending you lots of love and hugs. I remember the things we went through with Dad. It's just so hard to see them helpless at times.

 

[Cherylndesigns]

@Cherylndesigns I hadn't thought about virtual appointments, but Daddy likes to be out and about and it's good for him. For now, the appointments aren't too burdensome, but we have a big bunch coming up and he has his second cataract surgery on the 18th. His Christmas present to himself will be driving to the pet store for dog food. It's about a half mile away and a good start. He hasn't been able to drive for almost 3 months and he's going crazy.

Thanks for the patience. I'm generally a very patient person, but I haven't had a break in 7 months. I'm a little frayed. My sister forgets how she felt after just 7 weeks. She didn't come to visit for almost a month she was so frazzled, but she has always been the flighty one, and I've always been the workhorse.

That's good that he still likes to go out. My DH doesn't and the virtual appt was a Godsend to him. He had only been home for a few days and certainly didn't feel like going out again. Glad I could help, though.

 

[Kythe]

I looked after both for over 10 years while still working full time. It was hard but well worth it.

 

[Susan - s3js]

I looked after both for over 10 years while still working full time. It was hard but well worth it.

Wow! That's truly dedication. I was fortunate to be in the position to retire because my Dad lives half the continent away from where I lived. I could not have done it otherwise. I don't know if I could do both without some help. I truly respect what you accomplished!