*Sensitivity warning...The following message : is about grief,recovery from and other serious health and chronic pain issues*

Hi Susie & Everyone...

It sure has been a long time since I have been here...As a lot of you know why I have been MIA...With breaking my neck and arm and messing up my legs and feet and being in a wheel chair with intense therapy to learn to walk again and learn to use my arm and move my neck also...Despite that horrific pain,I have had to endure even more difficult pain...Learning that my beloved husband,Ray,had stage 4 terminal brain cancer and that he would not have long left to live...There was a time when I thought I would never ever be able to rise above my deeply devastating grief and loss on top of my everyday struggles and pain...but It was 2 years on June 9th that he passed away...It took me 2 years to learn that he would want me to grieve but to also move forward somehow...I have also realized that I don't want to be sad all the time either...I am not sure how my life will unfold now...But,I have just moved into a new place,this July...and I have had so much help and guidance to get here where I am now...I have adopted a new feeling of hope and hopefully,happiness...and I realized that he wouldn't want me to be unhappy forever but it took time to realize this and a lot of personal growth and soul searching to arrive here...I now know,that I will never stop loving or ever stop grieving my sweet Ray...but I used to torture myself and feel guilty that I survived my life altering accident only to find out that he was gonna die within a few weeks...I thought I had to find ways to forget to move forward but that is not true...You carry it with you everyday and know it's there and realize that it will always be there somewhere deep inside you...but that doesn't mean that you can't try to find some of your own happiness...I am a different person now and that's a good thing...I did not like the person that I had become wracked with grief,pain and sadness...I have lost a ton of weight,almost 112 pounds, and I have cut my hair and colored it for the first time in 5 or more years and I have started to discover myself again and what makes me happy...Life is just so short and I just woke-up one day and felt different and I wanted to start trying to live again,without all the sadness,pain and guilt...I still do have bad days and moments...but they are shorter and farther inbetween...I do hope he is happy for me,wherever he is, & doesn't fault me for trying to find some kind of happiness again...

So,my layout is about the connection to the past with my sweet Ray...and the reconnecting with the new me,who is now ready to live once again and open to trying new adventures...for,whatever comes my way...Thank You! everyone for your support...