Oscraps
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The Past
Ok, I did this for a self portrait contest at the beggining of the month, and I have been agonizing ever since on whether or not I should send it in. My husband finally convinced me tonight to do it. And maybe Im riding a adreniline buzz from having sent off this rather personal photo to the contest, but I wanted to share it here. Im not sure, but I might feel differently in the morning and take it down.
This will eventually go in my "Book Of Me" album.
If you feel its inapropriate, let me know but please do not bash me for this.
here is the story that I sent in to the contest, to kinda explain.
I couldnt resist entering the contest, as I love a good photo challenge, But I really did not want to get in front of the camera. As I agonized over this with my husband, he said "Why don't you take that scar picture youve been talking about for years. Thats a self portrait isnt it?" And it got me thinking.
When I was 12 or 13 ( I just remember that it was middle school) I started cutting myself. I dont know really how it got started. I dont even remember the first time. But it continued, and got progressivly worse, to the point that after my senior year, I was hospitalized. I'd like to say that the hospital helped me, and I quit, but thats not true. While my time in the hospital was important, I got worse still. I cut once that was so deep it gaped open about an inch, but I refused to go to the ER for stitches because I knew that they would put me away again, and I had a job and my own apartment and was too selfish because of what a hospitalization would do to those. That scar is my biggest one. Shortly after that I met my husband, who unlike my previous boyfriends, did not put me down for it. He stayed with me through the good and the bad, and the awful. Its been 4 years since I cut reguarly. I've had a few set backs, and I still get "the itch" and thats hard to ignore. But with the love of my husband and my daughter I get by.
This photo was really hard to take (and not just because I kept knocking the tripod over and having the camera fall on my head
These scars are a part of me that I dont nessacarly share. For my friends and family, its just kinda common knowledge, and its not really discussed. New friends figure it out over time. But there are people that catch a glimpse, and stare at me. I've lost potential jobs because a possible employer has seen one poking from out of my sleeve, and quickly ended the interview. I was fired from one job because the new manager said because they are self inflicted, they count as tattoos and they had a no tattoo policy. But I have an attachment to them. They are a part of me, and they remind me of where I have been. Sometimes we talk about getting them removed if I can hit 2 years of no cutting (no setbacks) and I want that. But then I feel like that would be erasing part of the past. Its very bitter sweet.
So this is very much a self portrait. Whether or not I like it, this is who I am and unfortunatly these scars define me. Thats not all I am, but thats my "outside".
EDIT: Wow! I did not expect such nice remarks. I was afraid someone would say it was gross, and they shouldnt have to look at it. I was not expecting to be called brave, or it to be powerful. For the first time, I am not ashamed of them. How can I be with the comments and understanding that you have left? THANK YOU! I will leave it up
This will eventually go in my "Book Of Me" album.
If you feel its inapropriate, let me know but please do not bash me for this.
here is the story that I sent in to the contest, to kinda explain.
I couldnt resist entering the contest, as I love a good photo challenge, But I really did not want to get in front of the camera. As I agonized over this with my husband, he said "Why don't you take that scar picture youve been talking about for years. Thats a self portrait isnt it?" And it got me thinking.
When I was 12 or 13 ( I just remember that it was middle school) I started cutting myself. I dont know really how it got started. I dont even remember the first time. But it continued, and got progressivly worse, to the point that after my senior year, I was hospitalized. I'd like to say that the hospital helped me, and I quit, but thats not true. While my time in the hospital was important, I got worse still. I cut once that was so deep it gaped open about an inch, but I refused to go to the ER for stitches because I knew that they would put me away again, and I had a job and my own apartment and was too selfish because of what a hospitalization would do to those. That scar is my biggest one. Shortly after that I met my husband, who unlike my previous boyfriends, did not put me down for it. He stayed with me through the good and the bad, and the awful. Its been 4 years since I cut reguarly. I've had a few set backs, and I still get "the itch" and thats hard to ignore. But with the love of my husband and my daughter I get by.
This photo was really hard to take (and not just because I kept knocking the tripod over and having the camera fall on my head
These scars are a part of me that I dont nessacarly share. For my friends and family, its just kinda common knowledge, and its not really discussed. New friends figure it out over time. But there are people that catch a glimpse, and stare at me. I've lost potential jobs because a possible employer has seen one poking from out of my sleeve, and quickly ended the interview. I was fired from one job because the new manager said because they are self inflicted, they count as tattoos and they had a no tattoo policy. But I have an attachment to them. They are a part of me, and they remind me of where I have been. Sometimes we talk about getting them removed if I can hit 2 years of no cutting (no setbacks) and I want that. But then I feel like that would be erasing part of the past. Its very bitter sweet.
So this is very much a self portrait. Whether or not I like it, this is who I am and unfortunatly these scars define me. Thats not all I am, but thats my "outside".
EDIT: Wow! I did not expect such nice remarks. I was afraid someone would say it was gross, and they shouldnt have to look at it. I was not expecting to be called brave, or it to be powerful. For the first time, I am not ashamed of them. How can I be with the comments and understanding that you have left? THANK YOU! I will leave it up