ok, wow... this was a **really** hard one to do... especially that last column of journaling... i cried like a baby while i was typing it. whew. (...was even harder to post... i feel all exposed.) anyway... just a little letter to gage...

JOURNALING: Its been almost 19 years since I tried that first cigarette. Please note here that I was 13 years old. Everyone in my family smoked, (including my very cool and popular older sister) everyone at school smoked it just seemed natural. I was a full-blown smoker by age 14 and was allowed to smoke in front of my parents by age 15. Dont think badly of them smoking back then wasnt near as big a deal as it is today. The health problems associated with it were just coming to surface there wasnt even an age requirement to buy them it just wasnt a huge issue. Anyway I could have quit at any time then. I even did quit for almost a year during my senior year in high school, but I had huge plans at that time that didnt quite pan out the way I thought so out of sheer rebellion, I started back. But as the years went by and more and more breaking news? surfaced, the more I realized that I had a big problem but not necessarily the one you may be thinking of. You see my big problem? wasnt so much that I was addicted it was that I LOVED to smoke. I felt grown up, I felt accepted, and I LOVED having an action? to perform when I was stressed out or upset it just put closure to it I could then relax. I justified it in so many ways. I didnt do drugs, I got good grades, I worked hard, I didnt get into trouble if smoking cigarettes was the worst thing I did I wasnt too bad off. Sigh but now, fast-forwarding to September 2007 wow it is probably worse than most things I could have been doing.

So Dad and I knew it was time. We tried (again) last year to quit cold turkey lasted for 46 days. We were both miserable the ENTIRE time. It was awful. I was literally mad at how hard it was. We hung in there for as long as we could. But low and behold as life would have it stressful circumstances crept in and we broke like twigs. Gage you were devastated. You were so proud of us for quitting and the day I had to confess to you that we had started back probably marked my lowest point ever as your mom. But being as quick to forgive as you are, you gave me a hug and told me you loved me anyway. So, here we are a year later. Nana told us about this new "quitting smoking" drug called Chantix. Dad tried it first. He shelled out $130 bucks for it (hardly the cost of a months worth of cigarettes) and gave it a go. Within 2 weeks, he was down to 3 cigarettes a day another week went by and he quit altogether. He is now in his 8th smoke-free week. I was getting lonesome going outside all by myself to smoke, and was actually intrigued at how easily he seemed to be resisting. So I started taking it within 2 weeks, I was down to 3 a day and a week and later, I quit. I cannot believe how easily it was done taking this medicine. I have barely even thought about it. Ive had several little bursts of cravings, but they were short lived. I am now on my 8th smoke-free day and I must say that I have literally not looked back. I have high hopes and pray on a daily basis that God will continue to strengthen me to win this battle. I know 8 days doesnt seem like much but after 19 years to a creature of habit, like myself that is huge.

So... please let me say... Im sorry for every time I went outside to smoke when you wanted to just keep playing. Im sorry for every cigarette I smoked while I was pregnant. Im sorry for every time I smelled like smoke when you hugged me. Im sorry for every second I set the example that such addictive behavior was okay. Im sorry for every time you heard at school that smoking kills people and you thought of me and worried. Im sorry for every time I blew you off when you tried to warn me. Im sorry for each time you saw me smoke after your warning and wondered if I just didnt love you enough. Im sorry for the years I have probably already taken off of my life that cant be reversed. Im sorry for some of the things I wasnt able to buy for you because of the expense of my addiction. Im sorry, baby. Im so sorry.

**I edited the journaling a tad after i got it from Word to Photoshop, but i can only cut and paste from Word. grrr. it's pretty much the same... i just took out a couple of lines to make the columns line up right.

PRODUCTS USED:

TAYLORMADE: 'A Thing of the Past' mended frame (how perfect is that?!?)
The Beloved PAISLEE PRESS Charcoal paper (BERRY+CHARCOAL kit from Oscraps); PAISLEE PRESS INK+BLOT Vol.2 ink blot