Good morning to all of you.
Eva- I am sorry that you have to go through the dinner.Def. hide behind the camera. Isn't that the great thing about digital cameras? You can take a million pics (ok, so as many as your mem card can hold LOL) and delete as many as you like tomorrow. So go ahead, take pics of the rug, the ceiling, the toilet, no one has to know.
Hang in there, I am thinking of you!
Sara, yeah, I am with you, I see both sides. I have stated very clearly and very often that when I die, I want a big party thrown, I want every bit of my body donated for Lyme disease research. But I know that if I died before my mom, she would not be able to handle that at all. Death and grief are difficult
Hope that you have a fun day with more time relaxing. A lunch date sounds nice. For you and your hubby, not me and mine. I hope to finish my taxes today and then I want to escape into neverland. LOL
I met with the social worker yesterday, I have a feeling that I will be seeing her on a regular basis. *sigh* We pretty much talked on the surface-- some practical resources on getting assistance for breast cancer patients, everything from help with meds to transportation. Then we talked a bit about treatment, why I have trouble caring for myself. And then the whole -- what has my life been like the last 10 years. Every time I talk about what my family went through, it freaks me out. I am the Queen of Minimizing and Compartmentalizing, so when it all gets laid out, even on a very superficial level, it seems almost surreal. When she said things like, You have been through so much, or You have so much on your plate, my reaction flips between Nah.Its all good to Holy Shit! Life has been pretty rough.
Then came the Rad. Onc appt. The onc nurse was super-sweet, explained everything in detail, how to care for my skin, and then.... bum bah bummmmmm.. side effects. That is the point where Gary just shut down. Most common side effects-- fatigue. Then skin issues, but she said b/c of my skin type-- I don't sunburn, I'll get tan rather then pink/red. Dealable, right? Then came the list of very rare but serious side effects, like cancer, heart/lung issues and loss of feeling in your hand. Again, she said that they are very rare, but she has to report them before I can give consent.
Then comes the dr. Goes over my medical history, describes the two options of treatment- I can either do a 4 week/higher dose or 6 week/lower dose. Amounts of rads would be the same all added up.
We ask some question re: impact on my immune system and lyme (should be none), risk of occurrence w/o rads (20-30%), and absolute "need" for this treatment since my cancer was so small and was al removed (microscopic cells can still be present even if they don't show up on Path. report).
I decide to think about everything over the weekend and call on Monday top let them know.
Get in the car and all hell breaks lose, as I expected. Gary is 100% anti-rads. Thinks it will kill me faster than the cancer. All I can think of is the stat of a 20-30% chance of recurrence. I am 45-- again, I have a LOT of years left to live. I would never forgive myself for not doing everything in my power to prevent it coming back, I want to see my currently non-existent grandkids grow up. So he thinks I am making a horrible wrong choice, I feel like I am making the best choice that I can. Bottom line it is my decision, but that makes him feel like I am not considering how he feels. I truly am, but I don't feel that it is the right one-- for *me.*
Anyway, that is my saga......never a dull moment, eh?
