Made for September Trendsetter at 9th & Bloom

Kit used is Sunday Morning by Secret Stash at 9th & Bloom

Journaling Reads

"Have you ever hurt so much deep inside that you thought you could die just right then? Im not talking physical pain Im talking mental pain. The pain Ive been through in the last year has ripped me apart into two some days its like Im a different person and I see everything as though Im watching someone else live their life behind their eyes. Some days a panic when I start to forget things it all most feels like Im having a panic attack I dont want to forget I cant forget them I have to remember them but if I forgot them myself then how will anyone ever know that you were real? And you were here? What happened to me was my own worse nightmare, I wouldnt wish it on anyone even someone I hated I lost a baby. After two perfect healthily pregnancies and two gorgeous little boys I felt my world come crashing down and it hasnt gone back up since. In my heart I feel that you was a girl things were different than my previous pregnancy but then I think if I knew I had a boy would I ever be able to cope with knowing that even though I have carried two boys safely that something could still go wrong?

I hurt so much inside and its like most days I have to just smile and pretend to be okay Its easier to let everyone believe Im fine when Im not. I have tons of questions but who is ever going to be the one to answer them? Was it something I did in the past? Why do I feel like Im being punished and made to feel like this? When is this hole inside of my heart ever going to close again? I dont want a replacement to take my babys place all I want is to know that I have failed as a mother unable to protect my baby and be able to carry another child again and get my baby at the end of it.

My heart aches for a baby girl but at the same time I know if I have another boy everything will be fine. I dont understand you to get what Im saying even if you have been through it yourself I want you to know your pain is not my pain and I dont want to hear everything happens for a reason or you will get pregnant again cause you know what I have been trying to get pregnant again from days after I lost my baby. I look at my stomach sometimes and it looks so much like Im pregnant that I wish I had a baby in there sometimes when Im alone I rub my stomach its like my own of saying to myself it will happen soon. I can feel the strain that this is having on me Im fed up seeing people fall pregnant who dont deserve kids its like the universe is so fuck up that it feels the need to pay attention to me and not these sick bastards. I go to sleep of a night and all I dream about is having another baby.

I dont want to have to talk about it I deal with things on my own but every time I close my eyes that day comes flashing back to me all the time how I was happy one day and then next my whole life was shattered. Ive never cried so much in my life Ive never found myself hunched up rocking backwards and forwards and sobbing so much that I couldnt breathe it was even worse when my due date came around and I cried for nearly 3 hours straight. All I want is just one more chance to feel like Im no longer empty inside because I am Im dead inside. Ever since I had my baby ripped out of me and even if there was something wrong with it I would of still loved it no matter what I wouldnt of cared."