This is for this week's dare over @ digidares.com. This was a hard one to do, but in light of what it's about, the sense of therapy made it all worth it. lol.

journaling... (oh, & just because this plethera of journaling is here, please don't feel obligated to read it all. lol. it was just really small on the layout so its here just in case. hehehe)...

this has been such an exhausting season in our marriage. in all honesty, there have been several times when i swore it was over. that there was no way in this world we would ever get through *this*. there were days when i was sure he simply wasnt coming home, and days when i was determined i was leaving. we have cried. we have prayed. we have screamed at the top of our lungs. we have bombarded each other with insults and we have left scars. we have gone to bed furious with each other and woken up with a void like none either of us has ever known. we have misjudged each other and accussed each other of the most ludicrous intentions. we have walked around big pink elephants for weeks at a time and we have ignored the obvious. being married now for almost 10 years, we have definitely been through peaks and valleys and weve argued and made up. but never have we been sucked into the lie like we were this past year. it has been within the past week however that he made a brilliant statment. he said,... in the middle of an argument... damnit... i love you... i know that is true... so where is this anger coming from? i know the truth... something im feeling has to be a lie. over the course of the evening, that one statement seemed to stand out. over the next day or two, we sifted through all the weight of the burdens we had been struggling to carry over the past year. we isolated them, we named them, we exhaled. it wasnt long before we were lying in bed wrapped around each other feeling lighter than air. he said this is itruth. this is what is real. and he was right. that moment was more real than anything weve been faced with in a long time. i felt it. i remembered it. i remembered why i didnt hesitate when he asked me to marry him. i remembered why i was unable to move when his arms were around me. why the very thought of living even one day knowing that he wasnt my whole life left me stifled and unable to breathe. and i remembered that i had no say in the matter. i had no choice. the first time i saw him was the day my life looked completely different. i never saw things the same again. the first time he spoke to me was the day that i wrote any others before him right off of the books. the first time he touched my face was the day i knew i was alive and that my heart was being prepared for something real. the first time he kissed me was the day i knew i wanted to marry him. my entire life was going on around me. i was right in the middle of... well... life. life as i knew it. but none of life mattered anymore. none of it. not my job, my dreams, my friends, even other loves... they all just seemed to naturally take their place in my heart... stepping down from their now former position of significance. making room for what they were simply not designed for. it was him now. and it was the most intoxicating feeling in this world. that night, all of this seemed to pour itself onto my heart and literally breathed life back into me. i might even argue that remembering it as if it were yesterday may have been more refreshing than if it actually *were* yesterday. i desparately want to say with pride and conviction that we can withstand any storm. that this moment was proof that we are invinsible and that we will last forever. but seeing how easily a lie can be painted so beautifully and flawlessly as to mirror truth, all i really want to do is fall to my knees and thank god in the most pleading voice i can muster that we made it. to simply be humbled by the fact that he is truly the love of my life and i get to have him for a while longer. love has once again surprised me and managed to somehow unlock yet another small peice of wisdom. i am not skilled at being married. i do not possess some super strength that others dont have in their marriage. i am not especially clever or smarter than the average wife. i am way less domesticated and certainly not as extravagant as some. he is not the easiest person to live with. he isnt gifted with a keen sense of romance or sensitivity that other husbands dont have. he has flaws inside and out.. some worse than mine, some that pale in comparison. but we were somehow written into existense as one. love is what makes all of this possible. and everyone ive ever asked would all say the same thing. love is stronger than anything. im not so sure of that right now. love feels very vulnerable and fragile to me. i feel this overwhelming urgency to sheild it and protect it. i hear a new truth that wasnt present just days ago. this love is huge, but it is not strong. it can be shattered in a moments time if left exposed to the great lies that seek to destroy it. no... there is something bigger, something stronger than us that keeps it whole. there is god. he is there when we have checked out. he covers us when we lose sight of things. he holds it with a conscious gentleness as we chase after false truth. the strength does not come from us. it does not come from our love. it comes from our creator. and without him, that love would be ripped apart over and over again. without him, we are clueless as to what that love needs to survive. we are powerless to allow the immense amount of forgiveness that is needed to flow through us in order to not just stay together, but to have love between us throughout the entire journey. but he does. this is truth. this is what is real. love isnt perfect. love isnt always pretty. it is damn hard. but it is my whole life. me and him. we are real. us and Him. we are real. i pray that i will be reminded again and again that i cannot make this marriage look, act, or feel that way i want it to on any given day. i can only continue to pray that i never become unteachable. i remember the day aunt linda said those words to me. those words are huge. they will change your life if you allow them to stay close. i pray that those words are forever present in my heart and my mind. i feel like as long as those words remain part of my truth... love isnt far behind.


credits...
background from Viewfinder 12x12 Overlays by paislee press
scattered hearts and large heart used for text path both from presslines no. 16 - love+notes by paislee press
scribbled heart and ink spatter from the sunday edition kit by paislee press