Journaling:

I know it sounds crazy. I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened to me... But at ten years old I fell in love. Nate and I went to church together. Our fathers were best friends. They had a band and Nate was the drummer. I was his biggest fan. He was my first kiss, my first love, and my best friend. We were inseperable. Whenever anyone asked "Where's Nate?" Someone would reply, "I don't know. Where's Leanne?" I loved him from the start. In fact, I honestly can't remember what it feels like to not be in love with him. He's my soulmate. I've always know that. When we were kids Nate got into a lot of trouble. He knew if he asked me to run away with him I would, but he also knew it would ruin my life. So he left... and he left me behind I didn't understand. My heart was broken. I tried to forget him. I tried to hate him. I tried not to care. But I tried in vain I didn't see or hear from him for years. A decade past. I graduated high school and went to an extremely conservative Bible School. Men and women literally couldn't be within 2 feet of eachother. We had time limits for conversations, and we were never aloud to be alone. In my first year I met a man whom I respected; who's apparent dedication to the same religion and values appealed to me in a practical "let's accomplish something with our lives" sort of way. I had given up on the dream of being with Nate. So Jonathan and I got married. After we were married I realized he wasn't who I thought he was. I had made a terrible mistake. I married someone I didn't really know, someone I wasn't attracted to or in love with. My practical reasons for marrying him were all facades and I was stuck. I tried so hard to be a good wife, but I was miserable. For six years I was miserable. One day I realized that instead of crying because Jonathan was always gone, I was happy to see him go. I knew then that things would never be ok. I didn't mean to, but after years of hurting I ended up with absolutely no feelings for him. After years of pretending to be happy I just didn't care anymore. About the time I made that realization, my
childhood sweetheart, the love of my life, the one that got away contacted me. I signed onto myspace and had a new message
waiting for me. It was from him. My heart went into my throat. I stared at the screen with my mouth open. I couldn't even think. I shut my laptop, stood up, and left my apartment. I couldn't read it. That night when I got home I took a deep breath sat down, and read the letter. He apologized for leaving the way he did and told me he still loved me, that he never stopped I didn't know what to do. I was terrified. I was so afraid he never really loved me... so afraid he was trying to play me... So I wrote him back. I told him he was the first boy I ever loved, (I didn't mention that he was the only one, or that I still did...) and he was the first boy to break my heart. Then I wished him well and pressed "send". I was shaking. I was nauseated. I was 12 again. The next day I received a reply. We wrote to eachother every day for months. He expressed his love for me and begged me to be with him. I finally confessed my love for him but I told him we could never be together because I was married. Every day became more and more difficult. I slept with a body pillow in the center of my bed. Finally I just couldn't do it anymore. I had tried for 6 years and I just couldn't. The man I was married to couldn't care less about me and the only man I'd ever been in love with couldn't care more. Nate begged me to see him, but I kept refusing because I knew if I looked into his eyes even for a second and saw any love for me at all... well, I wouldn't stand a chance. But eventually, I couldn't refuse him anymore. I agreed to meet him. He got in his car and drove 26 hours straight with only the promise of a walk, a talk, and a hug. I drove, trembling, to meet him all the while telling myself I could do this. I could see him and not fall apart. I looked up and there he was standing outside his car. I pulled my car up to his, but I couldn't get out. I didn't even know if I could stand. He smiled and said hello... and I melted. I looked into his eyes... and there was so much love. I had forgotten his eyes were the same color as mine... He looked different, but he looked the same. It was Nate. It was my Nate... and he was here. The next day I moved out of my apartment and I filed for divorce that week. Fastforward to today... I packed everything I could fit into my Honda Civic and drove 26 hours south to be with him in North Carolina. We're
together again. My divorce was just finalized and Nate's will be soon. I know it sounds crazy. I wouldn't believe it if it hadn't happened to me... but at 25 years old I am still in love with the boy who gave me my first kiss. I am still his biggest
fan He is still my best friend and we're inseperable. Whenever someone asks, "Where's Nate?" someone replies
"I don't know. Where's Leanne?" Life has come full circle, and I wouldn't have it any other way

straightfrommyheart November 20, 2007

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